Married... with friends

This is a hard topic for me. It is something I am currently trying to work out and I honestly am not finding a lot of resources to help me out. I am reading through Close Calls and I plan to revisit Boundaries in Marriage. So far, Close Calls does not encourage friendships with the opposite sex to be pursued once you are married. ..

But this is a gray area. It is hard for me to live in the gray. I like the black and white. I am a rule-follower. It just gives me some sense of control I guess. Yet I am learning (yet again) that I am NOT in control. And I have to live in the gray sometimes, even if it is uncomfortable.

Some questions that come to mind:

1-What is Biblical friendship like? Is there guidance from Scripture?
2-Does this change after marriage?
3-What are some wise boundaries for friendships with the opposite sex after marriage and how do you keep these boundaries intact?
4-What if you and your spouse disagree about these boundaries?
5-How do you intentionally grow in your friendship with your spouse through the years?
6-How do you live in trust and without fear?

We live in a time when people are waiting to get married until later ... a time where social media invites many more "friends" to be involved in your life... People likely have a lot of friends, probably of both sexes, when they decide to get married. Friends are important; we don't want to dismiss them. But marriage is sacred--it needs to be protected.

finding oneself

not so long ago it was pointed out to me that to find oneself one needed to find God. in this culture that emphasizes looking inside yourself incessantly, this seems rather odd. it seems like i need to get away, find a therapist, withdraw into myself and look for .... something.

yet this is not the way. in order to really know who i am and become all i can be, reaching my full potential in life, i actually need only to look to God and know Him and the more I do that, the more I will be my true self.

i think this is comforting. the God of the universe who made me knows me totally and completely and He has the power to use me and help me and do amazing things with my life.

when i leave God out of the picture, I find myself looking inside and finding little, scrambling for what other people say is good about myself, and really not feeling very good at all.

God Himself is the one who gives us worth, value, and an excitement to live purposefully and completely. By the Holy Spirit He guides us in what that will look like.

I love God. He is awesome.

God is Bigger ...

A few weeks back I was feeling like things were going really well for me. Basically I felt fairly steady emotionally throughout the month. Yes, PMS does seem to affect me at this point in life, but it was under control.

I was exercising, reading, listening to sermons. This was all part of it I think.

Then bats enter. Yes, bats. Bats in my house, around my house. Disruption of sleep is not a good thing. I was sleeping little, not exercising, and having an increase of stress due to having to deal with this on my own without Rudy.

It seems kind of weird but I could just feel the edge, and then those PMS symptoms hit hard. This is something I had not been experiencing and it felt a bit overwhelming.

Well yesterday I thought to myself that God is bigger than all of this. No I cannot exercise the way I was due to the inhaling of moth balls if I choose to run on my treadmill in the garage. Yes, I am having more stress than I was a few weeks back.

I was feeling like I needed this all to be fixed so I could get back to being a good mom. I was feeling so affected that I was not being a good mom--very irritable and angry. But I decided that God is bigger than bats, bigger than exercise, bigger than PMS and bigger than me. God will help me if I only go to Him about it.

So that is what I did. I went to my Father. And I had a much better day.

God is bigger than all of this...

Christian Counseling?

It has been about 8 years since I was in school suiting up to be a "Christian" counselor. Unfortunately my experience was not at all what I had hoped for. I found myself not being prepared at all to be a Biblically-based, Christian counselor--instead, I was being set up for a psychological test in order to be licensed in my home state. I was being taught for a test. I understand that some of this was necessary in order to enter the world of "therapy" but I at least hoped I would learn to filter all the psychobabble and have real answers and real help for people. I was utterly disappointed and disillusioned. I wish I chose to become a nurse.

To this day when people speak of "getting help" and hail therapy, I find myself cringing inside. Our culture is so self-focused and therapy soaked. I want to believe and I do believe that there are good, Christian counselors out there. Sometimes I think I should have pushed through and become one. Other times, I do not regret my decision to graduate with a ministry degree instead (though I can't say I was prepared for ministry either--my classes were not Christ-centered.)

It is definitely biblical to have advisors and counselors, wise persons to go to. I crave this and appreciate this.  I also love to be an encouragement and help to others.

But going to a licensed therapist for this sort of thing? I am weary, so weary. I hope that the Biblical counseling movement continues to gain ground. I think they offer much more solid answers and help than I ever experienced in the counseling room or in my education toward a counseling degree.

I remember multiple times a professor making the point that a Christian counselor is the same as a Christian plumber. You just do the job. I have to disagree. Mending a pipe and mending a soul are very different things. Your worldview is going to drastically affect how you help someone deal with their pain or difficulty. Your worldview probably won't affect how you fix a leaky pipe. My hope during my training was that I would be taught how to bring people to the foot of the cross, find their healing in their Savior, and look to their Creator rather than to themselves or others for fulfillment, purpose, and love.

When people make such positive comments about therapy, it kind of winds me up. Today that happened. Perhaps I get on a soap box about it and I need to be careful about that.

My response perhaps could best be: It is important to be careful. It is crucial to find a counselor/advisor that is Biblical and Christ-centered in their approach. It also may be worth having more than one advisor.

loneliness

wow, i have not written in some time. i am starting to wonder if this blog should NOT be for charlotte since it is containing my random ramblings and discontents. well, today it is loneliness. i never knew how lonely motherhood would be. i struggle regularly with thoughts like: "what did i get myself into?" "is this it?" "will the crying ever cease?" it seems to just be getting harder as the kids age. i would trade in sleepless nights for some peace during the day. it seems someone is always crying, disobeying, creating a disaster, fighting, etc. i grow so weary of it all and find myself wanting nothing to do with it.

today i considered that perhaps i need a day job in an office alone. maybe i am just an introvert that can't handle all of this chaos constantly. i need some time alone. sure, i have some time in the evening now that rudy is away, but it does not seem to be enough to fuel me for my 12+hour day with the kiddos.

so it builds up and i lash out. i try to gain control, i pray, i ask for forgiveness, and then i do it all over again.

it is lame to say the least.

my feelings are awful: i feel like i want to go to work, i feel like being a mom is totally not fun. and then i feel like i am being selfish and unloving and even unChristian. so all i want to do is go shopping or watch TV--which i rationalize is better than doing other things.

i realize rudy is similar to me in this. although he also escapes by sleeping. i would probably do that if given the opportunity.

i am so negative at times. i hate this about myself. i just want to enjoy my children and my husband--for they are gifts from God. why do i feel weary and drained emotionally all the time? i force myself to go to bed, exercise, read my Bible, go to church... i feel like i am doing the right things, but for some reason i am still struggling. so where can i go but to God in prayer and ask for His mercy and guidance.


perhaps i should write more. maybe that would help. i tend to avoid it though; i'm not sure why. i have been thinking about writing more on Proverbs and imparting wisdom to children from them... i'm also thinking about a Survive to Thrive Motherhood Manual since i have felt so ill-prepared--maybe i can help someone else out. but i'm sure many women are not like me. i meet lots of women who love being moms and always saw themselves as a mom, and they love to home school, yadda, yadda, yadda... well, i'm not that mom. when i was in college i saw myself as a sinner that needed help. i saw myself as someone who would live abroad and serve as a nurse or a doctor. i thought i would get married and have kids, but i didn't really know how that would go. i didn't think about it. i was self-focused, i was work-focused. and now i am being forced to be others-focused.

i suppose that is a good thing.

April 26, 2012

  So I started reading a book about Anger by Gary Chapman... the same author of The Five Love Languages. It is addressing what I wrote about in this post. I was pretty ugly in this post, but I guess I want to keep it real. Sometimes being a mom is really hard, but not all the time. :) This book by Chapman though is actually giving me some practical tools that are really helpful for when it is hard. Not to mention, his opening example sounds like this post by me!
  
 

Parenting the Proverbs

Not sure if that should be the title, but I am now considering writing a "book" of some sort here on the blog so I don't lose it if my computer dies on me.

It actually came to mind when I was thinking about how I have really enjoyed some smaller excerpts about parenting (i.e. Sacred Parenting Devotional by Gary Thomas) and the little bits of wisdom just fill me.

The book of Proverbs has been very instrumental, instructional and encouraging. I find myself just wanting to drink in the Proverbs b/c I am often feeling lost as a parent.

In some ways, it is good that I have felt lost. I have become more and more dependent on the Lord. In other ways, I think I have been swallowed up by the culture of pop psychology and the like. I have resisted, but I see how some basic things I believe are not from the Bible, but from this world. So when I read Proverbs, I feel refreshed, I feel like it all makes sense, I feel like I can do more than survive parenting... I can actually be a pretty good mom with God's help.

And so I can thrive... enjoying the gifts of my children. They are a true blessing from the Lord. They are not meant to be a hardship, but I can make parenting a hardship when I am not close to the Lord and following his wisdom.

As I have read the Proverbs again and again, I find the light going on like never before. It actually makes sense to me. I used to read the little sayings and move on rather bored. I did not get it at all. I don't think I had a clue until I became a parent, realized I wasn't all that, and I desperately need the wisdom of God.

It is a shame really. I look back and wish I had known some of the simple wisdom Proverbs brings... I could have really used it during those teenage crises. Maybe I wouldn't have understood if I had read it, but maybe if someone lived it and talked about it to me. That may have been a good thing.

For whatever reason, I find myself longing for a mentor in life. And I have been that way for some time. Particularly when marriage and family came along, I have zigzagged and gone all over looking for help. Of course the Lord is my strength and my wonderful Counselor, but I know the Lord uses people too.

So this "book" is a sermon to myself as I try to work out how I can live out the Proverbs to my kids. Teach them wisdom. Teach them to pursue wisdom with all their hearts. And this is also for my daughter Charlotte. I hope to mentor her somehow.

parenting isn't rocket science

i read this today: "parenting isn't rocket science." it was funny to read b/c i recently posted on facebook how parenting seems even more complicated than rocket science... so i thought "really?"

it is a book called "parenting by the book" referring to the Bible by John Rosemond. his name caught my eye at the library today b/c i have read his newspaper column before.

so far he is making the case that parenting has never been that complicated until the 1960's and the whole world was shaken by that decade. the culture changed, everything changed. i should read more about this to understand better. so i was wondering if my parents were reared according to this "new" value system or if they raised me that way. it would make sense in a way... b/c i feel so clueless at times which is why i read a lot about parenting.

a while back people would go to their mom, their grandma, etc. for parenting help/tips. that is not the case now... hasn't been that way for some time. people go to books, to psychology. but the news now is that "child-centered" parenting and assuming the goodness of a child is not a good place to be--it doesn't work. it leads to destruction and chaos and even prison.

children (all people) are sinners. so i'm thinking about how to alert my children to this fact in an effective way and teach them character and being like Jesus. i think i have been too lenient with oliver but i think part of it has been just the lack of mentorship as a mom. he has not been a child you can just look at sternly or tell no once. he pushes, he begs, he screams... it has been hard to figure out.

i have often sought mentorship but have not found it. i suppose ideally it should be my mom first. why isn't it? she is a mentor in ways but i do not seek her out. i suppose it is b/c i don't see her active in her faith. so is she really in touch with the wisdom of the Creator? perhaps i shortchange her though. i love her much and enjoy being with her.

i have latched on to Carolyn Mahaney and her literature has been immensely helpful for my marriage and personally. so she is a mentor from afar. i wish i had "met" her sooner!

tonight i listened to FOTF and they had the Dugger family on (19 children!) it was very interesting. very positive and inspiring they way they are so calm and focused on being sanctified in Christ. lately, i have had some thoughts come to mind when i am frustrated with my children... some thoughts about how God must feel when i disrespect him, disobey him, make demands of him...my children are a blessing in more ways than one. i am seeing how they are here at least in part for God to do a work in my life. i don't want to just survive motherhood and be glad for them to be gone (like i have heard some moms say!) i want to look back with gratefulness for all the Lord taught me and molded me to be. i want to see how i have grown and changed for the better. i want to see children who model Christ.

i pray God you would help me to Grow. for that is how i will Thrive. and i pray you would work in the lives of my children as well. may they Grow and Thrive as well.