looking back on what i have posted so far, it looks like i am barely surviving!
i suppose it has been a transitional time. we are preparing to move back to NC from Savannah, GA. your dad has been home about 6 months now after deployment. not sure if he will deploy again soon. not sure about living situation for our next assignment.. preparing to home school Oliver for kindergarten... these things are somewhat heavy on me.
i want my blog to be positive for you Charlotte. i want to be real about what i am learning or struggling with in hope that i can be of some help or encouragement to you. but mostly i want to leave you some words that you can read and find some refreshment.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
perfection
so the day is going great... and then i make a stupid mistake.
for whatever reason i have a hard time not being perfect. i am SO far from it, and this fact plagues me, debilitates me, paralyzes me. when i fail at something small i feel very small. i think i will never do anything big b/c i can't even do the little things right.
i try to please my husband. i mess up.
i try to be a good steward, a good cook, a good decorator, a good mother, a good counselor, a good friend... a good fill in the blank.
at the end of the day, i am not good enough. and i hate it. i just want to be good. i just want to be good at something.
and yet, i wonder if my perspective is all wrong. i have it in my head that i need to find a niche, a place to excel... i guess if i had that, then i wouldn't feel as bad when i made mistakes in other areas of life. b/c at least i was the best at one thing.
but this is weird thinking. God does not call me to be the best. I am going to make dumb mistakes, lose my temper, have a bad day once in a while. rather than focus on being the best... i think i just need to focus on DOING my best and leave the rest at Christ's feet. perhaps i make silly mistakes or not so silly ones b/c i will be able to help others later on... or perhaps simply b/c God wants me to realize that perfection is not attainable in this life. not even in one area. we are fallen. we mess up.
it is good to be remorseful and repentant if need be, but then it is important to move on, learn and grow. this is hard for me. very hard. it is easier for me to sulk and try to wrap my head around why i would make such a mistake. i want to cast blame. i want to feel better. but sometimes we just need time. we just need a hug. we just need to pray.
perhaps Charlotte, you will not be a perfectionist like your mom. it is a typical first born trait i suppose. but i'm sure there will be times you mess up and feel bad about it. i hope you can grow and change and seek God's face through it. even in the little things.
---
wow, so after i wrote this today i listened to a focus on the family broadcast. it was featuring Joni Eareckson Tada. she had a diving accident as a teen and it left her paralyzed. she said it had been "careless" .. it made me grateful that in my imperfections, my carelessness and clumsiness... i have not had such dire consequences. and also it made me realize how even in our carelessness, in our weaknesses, we can be made strong in the Lord. It makes us lean on Him! Joni is such an inspiration for so many and has had such a great ministry as she has learned to lean on the Lord. i thought i should share this. it was cool how God gave me perspective right when i needed it.
for whatever reason i have a hard time not being perfect. i am SO far from it, and this fact plagues me, debilitates me, paralyzes me. when i fail at something small i feel very small. i think i will never do anything big b/c i can't even do the little things right.
i try to please my husband. i mess up.
i try to be a good steward, a good cook, a good decorator, a good mother, a good counselor, a good friend... a good fill in the blank.
at the end of the day, i am not good enough. and i hate it. i just want to be good. i just want to be good at something.
and yet, i wonder if my perspective is all wrong. i have it in my head that i need to find a niche, a place to excel... i guess if i had that, then i wouldn't feel as bad when i made mistakes in other areas of life. b/c at least i was the best at one thing.
but this is weird thinking. God does not call me to be the best. I am going to make dumb mistakes, lose my temper, have a bad day once in a while. rather than focus on being the best... i think i just need to focus on DOING my best and leave the rest at Christ's feet. perhaps i make silly mistakes or not so silly ones b/c i will be able to help others later on... or perhaps simply b/c God wants me to realize that perfection is not attainable in this life. not even in one area. we are fallen. we mess up.
it is good to be remorseful and repentant if need be, but then it is important to move on, learn and grow. this is hard for me. very hard. it is easier for me to sulk and try to wrap my head around why i would make such a mistake. i want to cast blame. i want to feel better. but sometimes we just need time. we just need a hug. we just need to pray.
perhaps Charlotte, you will not be a perfectionist like your mom. it is a typical first born trait i suppose. but i'm sure there will be times you mess up and feel bad about it. i hope you can grow and change and seek God's face through it. even in the little things.
---
wow, so after i wrote this today i listened to a focus on the family broadcast. it was featuring Joni Eareckson Tada. she had a diving accident as a teen and it left her paralyzed. she said it had been "careless" .. it made me grateful that in my imperfections, my carelessness and clumsiness... i have not had such dire consequences. and also it made me realize how even in our carelessness, in our weaknesses, we can be made strong in the Lord. It makes us lean on Him! Joni is such an inspiration for so many and has had such a great ministry as she has learned to lean on the Lord. i thought i should share this. it was cool how God gave me perspective right when i needed it.
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