wow, i have not written in some time. i am starting to wonder if this blog should NOT be for charlotte since it is containing my random ramblings and discontents. well, today it is loneliness. i never knew how lonely motherhood would be. i struggle regularly with thoughts like: "what did i get myself into?" "is this it?" "will the crying ever cease?" it seems to just be getting harder as the kids age. i would trade in sleepless nights for some peace during the day. it seems someone is always crying, disobeying, creating a disaster, fighting, etc. i grow so weary of it all and find myself wanting nothing to do with it.
today i considered that perhaps i need a day job in an office alone. maybe i am just an introvert that can't handle all of this chaos constantly. i need some time alone. sure, i have some time in the evening now that rudy is away, but it does not seem to be enough to fuel me for my 12+hour day with the kiddos.
so it builds up and i lash out. i try to gain control, i pray, i ask for forgiveness, and then i do it all over again.
it is lame to say the least.
my feelings are awful: i feel like i want to go to work, i feel like being a mom is totally not fun. and then i feel like i am being selfish and unloving and even unChristian. so all i want to do is go shopping or watch TV--which i rationalize is better than doing other things.
i realize rudy is similar to me in this. although he also escapes by sleeping. i would probably do that if given the opportunity.
i am so negative at times. i hate this about myself. i just want to enjoy my children and my husband--for they are gifts from God. why do i feel weary and drained emotionally all the time? i force myself to go to bed, exercise, read my Bible, go to church... i feel like i am doing the right things, but for some reason i am still struggling. so where can i go but to God in prayer and ask for His mercy and guidance.
perhaps i should write more. maybe that would help. i tend to avoid it though; i'm not sure why. i have been thinking about writing more on Proverbs and imparting wisdom to children from them... i'm also thinking about a Survive to Thrive Motherhood Manual since i have felt so ill-prepared--maybe i can help someone else out. but i'm sure many women are not like me. i meet lots of women who love being moms and always saw themselves as a mom, and they love to home school, yadda, yadda, yadda... well, i'm not that mom. when i was in college i saw myself as a sinner that needed help. i saw myself as someone who would live abroad and serve as a nurse or a doctor. i thought i would get married and have kids, but i didn't really know how that would go. i didn't think about it. i was self-focused, i was work-focused. and now i am being forced to be others-focused.
i suppose that is a good thing.
April 26, 2012
So I started reading a book about Anger by Gary Chapman... the same author of The Five Love Languages. It is addressing what I wrote about in this post. I was pretty ugly in this post, but I guess I want to keep it real. Sometimes being a mom is really hard, but not all the time. :) This book by Chapman though is actually giving me some practical tools that are really helpful for when it is hard. Not to mention, his opening example sounds like this post by me!
today i considered that perhaps i need a day job in an office alone. maybe i am just an introvert that can't handle all of this chaos constantly. i need some time alone. sure, i have some time in the evening now that rudy is away, but it does not seem to be enough to fuel me for my 12+hour day with the kiddos.
so it builds up and i lash out. i try to gain control, i pray, i ask for forgiveness, and then i do it all over again.
it is lame to say the least.
my feelings are awful: i feel like i want to go to work, i feel like being a mom is totally not fun. and then i feel like i am being selfish and unloving and even unChristian. so all i want to do is go shopping or watch TV--which i rationalize is better than doing other things.
i realize rudy is similar to me in this. although he also escapes by sleeping. i would probably do that if given the opportunity.
i am so negative at times. i hate this about myself. i just want to enjoy my children and my husband--for they are gifts from God. why do i feel weary and drained emotionally all the time? i force myself to go to bed, exercise, read my Bible, go to church... i feel like i am doing the right things, but for some reason i am still struggling. so where can i go but to God in prayer and ask for His mercy and guidance.
perhaps i should write more. maybe that would help. i tend to avoid it though; i'm not sure why. i have been thinking about writing more on Proverbs and imparting wisdom to children from them... i'm also thinking about a Survive to Thrive Motherhood Manual since i have felt so ill-prepared--maybe i can help someone else out. but i'm sure many women are not like me. i meet lots of women who love being moms and always saw themselves as a mom, and they love to home school, yadda, yadda, yadda... well, i'm not that mom. when i was in college i saw myself as a sinner that needed help. i saw myself as someone who would live abroad and serve as a nurse or a doctor. i thought i would get married and have kids, but i didn't really know how that would go. i didn't think about it. i was self-focused, i was work-focused. and now i am being forced to be others-focused.
i suppose that is a good thing.
April 26, 2012
So I started reading a book about Anger by Gary Chapman... the same author of The Five Love Languages. It is addressing what I wrote about in this post. I was pretty ugly in this post, but I guess I want to keep it real. Sometimes being a mom is really hard, but not all the time. :) This book by Chapman though is actually giving me some practical tools that are really helpful for when it is hard. Not to mention, his opening example sounds like this post by me!
