Dating & Romance

Reflecting on a Focus on the Family broadcast that featured Tommy Nelson. He wrote a book called The Book of Romance (I think) and his message based on this book was really beautiful. The way he described dating and courtship sounded so simple and so wise.

Dating: Dating is observation. Date someone to get to know them more. Observe their character, their conversation, their reactions, and more. After dating 4-5 weeks, it is time to have a DTR. Define the Relationship. Are you moving into Courtship (I like you a lot and I would like to continue to get to know you. I don't know yet if God would have us get married, but I want to find out. What are your thoughts? Do you feel the same way? Do you feel differently?) You may feel disappointed if the person does not want to continue to date. But it is better to know. Much better to know before you are too entangled. You can separate and probably keep a friend.

Courtship: Supposing that the two both want to continue in the relationship, there will be a sense of excitement present. There will also be a sense of wanting to know God more and grow closer to Him. I remember a friend, a mentor, when I was young... he asked me if the guy I was dating made me happy, and also if he made me closer to God. Did he encourage me to strive after God more? You want to be with someone that is going to help you grow, not bring you down.
Another aspect of Courtship is having a more serious conversation. Just one is needed. Each person must open up about who they were... mistakes or traumas... whatever needs to be in the light. And each will forgive readily. If one does not forgive, the relationship is not a good one. Marriage requires one to walk in forgiveness.

A caution during dating as well as courtship... don't move too fast... either conversationally, or physically. Be patient.

For me, I think that the physical attraction received too much attention and the relationships I found my self in were far too physical in nature. There was not a Date and then another and then another, and then a DTR... and then a Courtship... It wasn't linear at all. It was a complete mess and sometimes I am amazed I married a good man. I was completely distracted by the physical and addicted to love (wanting to feel loved.) I wasn't concerned about being a lovable woman, being a godly woman, being faithful to my future spouse... none of this even crossed my mind. I wish it had... and the moments that I did see some light, I wish I would have listened rather than despaired. So... what now? I can mentor my children and any others God sends my way.

Dreaming for His Glory

This week I have been thinking about dreams, due to the book I am reading, From Good to Great in God's Eyes, by Chip Ingram. What is God's dream for me? After some reflection I have decided that I need to pray further about this. I don't think I dream enough. Certainly not big enough. It is kind of sad really.

Not to say that life is all about accomplishing all you can, but rather loving the God who gives us the opportunity to do great things for His glory. What does great look like? Who knows what God has in mind? Being willing, open, courageous, and ready... that is where I need to be.

The week closed out in tragedy as someone I knew only from afar, but I admired and respected, took his own life. He was a leader that seemed close to God, and he was being used by Him consistently to encourage others. This dream ended abruptly, with confusion and sadness remaining. Still a state of disbelief is about me.

I pray many cling to the Savior in this time. For me, dreams get replaced with discouragement and doubt. And I have to fight it. I have to go to Jesus, our only hope, again and again. 

Too good to be true?

We read the Bible and find out that God’s love is immense, so much so that it is really beyond what we can fathom. It is also unmerited. It can be hard to internalize, and I wonder why. I believe the Scripture whole-heartedly after examining it and asking many questions in my youth. The reality that Jesus came, lived a righteous life, died, was buried, and rose again on the third day are not things I question any longer. Yet although he came and lived and died for me, it is hard for me to understand his great love (and I am one of those people that like to understand everything!) I know in my mind that it is truly beyond comprehension, but at the same time I long to grasp His love more and more, because it is the security of His love that will give me peace, joy, and the ability to live life well.

Perhaps it is the society we live in, perhaps it is our human nature, but I find myself stuck on the thought that God’s love seems too good to be true. As soon as I say it, I know it is a lie. I know that it is true for a variety of reasons, including the fact that the story of salvation in Jesus is certainly not something humankind would make up. We naturally live by weights and measures, good deeds vs. bad deeds, complete with rewards and punishments.

God’s unmerited favor, his grace, is totally unfair. This can be viewed positively or negatively. Positively I am in awe of God’s saving grace through Jesus, knowing that I deserve nothing but death. Negatively, I know that sin pollutes the world, and I somewhat guard myself, bracing myself for something catastrophic to happen to me. This negative perspective breeds a spirit of fear rather than a spirit of hope, gratefulness for each day, and joy in the moment. Instead I begin to fear God’s grace running out. I fail to trust Him fully with my life and my family. I have a hard time accepting the gifts of life and love, because I wonder if it will be taken away. (Think Job.)

I know this perspective is skewed and wrong, but I wrestle with the emotions around it.

To date there are two things that have helped me manage my fears, as well as grasp God’s love and live by it a little bit more. First, a little book by Tim Keller called Prodigal God helped me picture God as my Father. He became more real to me through that sermon series turned book.  So I look back and remind myself of the Scripture there, and also elsewhere…. I keep preaching the gospel to myself essentially. I seek to fill my mind with what is right and good, and in time I trust those truths will become a part of me.

Second, my children have given me a hope in the God who loves us for the simple reason that I love my kids so much. No matter what they do, no matter what happens, I can’t imagine my love for them ever going away. Why not? Because they’re my kids. They do not realize the love I have for them, nor do they understand all that I do for them or why I tell them “no” or “wait” at times.

God's love is completely beyond the love of a parent for his child. We are His children, and He is the perfect parent.

I hope my children get a taste of that agape love, even in our imperfect home. I hope and pray they won’t wrestle as much with accepting the reality of God’s love because they saw it lived in this place. May God help us believe and love Him more and more.



We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 1 John 4:16-18

Because of Him

Lately I have been reminded that whatever good I do, it is because of Jesus. I really can't do any good on my own. If I do something good, it is because he allows me too. I want to give him honor and praise and thanks for the opportunities to encourage, serve, love, grow, and live.

I have also been struck by the fact that God can and does redeem. I have messed things up royally in some cases. Wondering how in the world I can fix it, it becomes clear that whatever I do will just make things worse. But then there is this hope, this thought, this smile in my heart... because I know that what I made a mess, God can make amends for, causing growth and good changes... and I am so grateful. Of course I wish I didn't make a mess. But I'm so glad that things can still work out... even if it is the long route, the hard road, the difficult path... hopefully all involved will be more dependent on Him because of it. 

Common Idols

The past year and a half has been a time of learning to love God and trust God at a whole new level.

First, I had the privilege of reading Prodigal God, by Tim Keller along with a group. I was really challenged to think of God as my Father... my Father who loves me... and desires my love in return. The highly religious person can be just as lost, if not more lost than the rebel. One can be too focused on God's "stuff" when what matters is God Himself. Do I love Him? or His stuff?

Next, my husband connected with an old friend on FB that happened to be a woman. This devastated me for various reasons. While I think I responded best by going to God about it, he did not take the situation away. Again I have been challenged: do I love Him, trust Him? In The Meaning of Marriage (again, by Tim Keller! and his wife) I realized that a wife can have a tendency to idolize her husband--that is, make him the most important. While desiring a close and healthy marriage is totally good, I am challenged to consider that the Lord Jesus is to be my first love, my husband for eternity.

Last, an acquaintance recently passed away. She was just a year older than me and left behind her husband and 2 very young children. While I grieve for the husband, I have felt more angry about the children being left without a mother. I feel like my anger is justified and good... losing one's parent(s)  as a child is horrible. I hate that there are so many orphans in the world. It just weighs my heart down. I have great love for my children, and I would hate to have to leave them. And so the third idol has come to my attention. My devotional yesterday (Jesus Calling) labeled it point blank. Parental love has its place, but I need to trust God with my loved ones.

My heart has been a bit restless, I admit. I know that I can only find rest in Jesus, but I find myself holding back and holding on. I pray that God increases my faith and helps me to let go. In His mercy He is bringing this important matter up: Do I really love Him?

Terrible Twos?

Watching my two year old this morning I began to wonder why two year olds got labeled so poorly ... people often talk about those "terrible twos"... I suppose my experience has been that age 3 and 4 are a little more challenging as a child needs more and more correction and guidance. I actually love the 1-2 year old time... there is less distraction for the child. The child is focused on the parent much more at this time than as they grow beyond these years. The child is listening, watching, and always right there beside you. They are influenced, for the good or the bad. I am convicted of what a crucial time each stage of parenting is, even when it is draining for the parent at times (Can I go to the bathroom alone please?) This is an age for establishing a strong relationship.

Recently a pastor of mine talked about how Jesus told us to be like little children in order to enter the kingdom of God. He mentioned that Jesus was probably referencing a child that was about 2 years old.
When I look at my 6 year old, for example, and my 2 year old... my conclusion is that he is right. My 2 year old is definitely trusting, loving, adoring, utterly dependent.  These traits can begin to wane as we age. We become independent, untrusting, focused on self, loving self.

BTW, I'm so glad that we do not drain our Lord. I'm glad he can take all of us, even the tantrums that flare up at times.

For me, I don't think the twos are quite so terrible. I am learning from my two year old how to relate to my Lord.

Solo

For the past several months I have been using the Solo Duo devotional. It has been a great tool for getting in God's word and making me sit and reflect on it. It was also a great follow up after reading The Prodigal God and just desiring to relate to my Father. The Solo Duo includes just the New Testament, and I'm not sure it is sold or not--we had it given to us through the Navigator Military ministry. The Solo devotional is sold in stores and it includes excerpts from the entire Bible. The translation is The Message so it definitely gives the reader a fresh look at the Scripture. Sometimes it makes one go back to look at the NIV or ESV--which is good.

Anyway, Rudy got me the Solo for Christmas and I have been in some passages focusing on God's holiness-- Exodus, Leviticus...Yesterday I read about not being hard-headed or stubborn, and also going the road that is set before you.

I have been trying to think on the hard-headed part, but the part about going the road before me keeps coming up in my mind and I realize how hard it is to trust God even though I know so much (or I feel like I know so much) about Him. I know the Truth from His Word, but it is still hard to live in the place where I I really know in my heart that He is in control, He works all things for the good of the those who love Him, and that He actually truly loves me.

In the fall I learned I was pregnant again and unfortunately this time around I have had some real struggle with fearing death. I am feeling better in the 2nd trimester now, but when I don't feel well, I get anxious. Real anxious. I can't stand the thought of leaving this earth anytime soon. I don't want to leave my husband, my young children.

And I know my perspective is wrong. But it is hard to walk the road ahead of you when you don't know where it is going. I know someone right now where that path looks to be heading toward death. Young woman, young children at home. Husband in prime of career. It just seems wrong.

Where can we go and what can we do? Ultimately we are not in control. Not in the slightest. We have to force ourselves not to compare, not to judge, not to covet... and live the life God has set before us. Each and everyday--making the most of the moments. And at the end of the day, at the end of our lives, hopefully we can be at peace, with God's help.

Married... with friends

This is a hard topic for me. It is something I am currently trying to work out and I honestly am not finding a lot of resources to help me out. I am reading through Close Calls and I plan to revisit Boundaries in Marriage. So far, Close Calls does not encourage friendships with the opposite sex to be pursued once you are married. ..

But this is a gray area. It is hard for me to live in the gray. I like the black and white. I am a rule-follower. It just gives me some sense of control I guess. Yet I am learning (yet again) that I am NOT in control. And I have to live in the gray sometimes, even if it is uncomfortable.

Some questions that come to mind:

1-What is Biblical friendship like? Is there guidance from Scripture?
2-Does this change after marriage?
3-What are some wise boundaries for friendships with the opposite sex after marriage and how do you keep these boundaries intact?
4-What if you and your spouse disagree about these boundaries?
5-How do you intentionally grow in your friendship with your spouse through the years?
6-How do you live in trust and without fear?

We live in a time when people are waiting to get married until later ... a time where social media invites many more "friends" to be involved in your life... People likely have a lot of friends, probably of both sexes, when they decide to get married. Friends are important; we don't want to dismiss them. But marriage is sacred--it needs to be protected.

finding oneself

not so long ago it was pointed out to me that to find oneself one needed to find God. in this culture that emphasizes looking inside yourself incessantly, this seems rather odd. it seems like i need to get away, find a therapist, withdraw into myself and look for .... something.

yet this is not the way. in order to really know who i am and become all i can be, reaching my full potential in life, i actually need only to look to God and know Him and the more I do that, the more I will be my true self.

i think this is comforting. the God of the universe who made me knows me totally and completely and He has the power to use me and help me and do amazing things with my life.

when i leave God out of the picture, I find myself looking inside and finding little, scrambling for what other people say is good about myself, and really not feeling very good at all.

God Himself is the one who gives us worth, value, and an excitement to live purposefully and completely. By the Holy Spirit He guides us in what that will look like.

I love God. He is awesome.

God is Bigger ...

A few weeks back I was feeling like things were going really well for me. Basically I felt fairly steady emotionally throughout the month. Yes, PMS does seem to affect me at this point in life, but it was under control.

I was exercising, reading, listening to sermons. This was all part of it I think.

Then bats enter. Yes, bats. Bats in my house, around my house. Disruption of sleep is not a good thing. I was sleeping little, not exercising, and having an increase of stress due to having to deal with this on my own without Rudy.

It seems kind of weird but I could just feel the edge, and then those PMS symptoms hit hard. This is something I had not been experiencing and it felt a bit overwhelming.

Well yesterday I thought to myself that God is bigger than all of this. No I cannot exercise the way I was due to the inhaling of moth balls if I choose to run on my treadmill in the garage. Yes, I am having more stress than I was a few weeks back.

I was feeling like I needed this all to be fixed so I could get back to being a good mom. I was feeling so affected that I was not being a good mom--very irritable and angry. But I decided that God is bigger than bats, bigger than exercise, bigger than PMS and bigger than me. God will help me if I only go to Him about it.

So that is what I did. I went to my Father. And I had a much better day.

God is bigger than all of this...

Christian Counseling?

It has been about 8 years since I was in school suiting up to be a "Christian" counselor. Unfortunately my experience was not at all what I had hoped for. I found myself not being prepared at all to be a Biblically-based, Christian counselor--instead, I was being set up for a psychological test in order to be licensed in my home state. I was being taught for a test. I understand that some of this was necessary in order to enter the world of "therapy" but I at least hoped I would learn to filter all the psychobabble and have real answers and real help for people. I was utterly disappointed and disillusioned. I wish I chose to become a nurse.

To this day when people speak of "getting help" and hail therapy, I find myself cringing inside. Our culture is so self-focused and therapy soaked. I want to believe and I do believe that there are good, Christian counselors out there. Sometimes I think I should have pushed through and become one. Other times, I do not regret my decision to graduate with a ministry degree instead (though I can't say I was prepared for ministry either--my classes were not Christ-centered.)

It is definitely biblical to have advisors and counselors, wise persons to go to. I crave this and appreciate this.  I also love to be an encouragement and help to others.

But going to a licensed therapist for this sort of thing? I am weary, so weary. I hope that the Biblical counseling movement continues to gain ground. I think they offer much more solid answers and help than I ever experienced in the counseling room or in my education toward a counseling degree.

I remember multiple times a professor making the point that a Christian counselor is the same as a Christian plumber. You just do the job. I have to disagree. Mending a pipe and mending a soul are very different things. Your worldview is going to drastically affect how you help someone deal with their pain or difficulty. Your worldview probably won't affect how you fix a leaky pipe. My hope during my training was that I would be taught how to bring people to the foot of the cross, find their healing in their Savior, and look to their Creator rather than to themselves or others for fulfillment, purpose, and love.

When people make such positive comments about therapy, it kind of winds me up. Today that happened. Perhaps I get on a soap box about it and I need to be careful about that.

My response perhaps could best be: It is important to be careful. It is crucial to find a counselor/advisor that is Biblical and Christ-centered in their approach. It also may be worth having more than one advisor.

loneliness

wow, i have not written in some time. i am starting to wonder if this blog should NOT be for charlotte since it is containing my random ramblings and discontents. well, today it is loneliness. i never knew how lonely motherhood would be. i struggle regularly with thoughts like: "what did i get myself into?" "is this it?" "will the crying ever cease?" it seems to just be getting harder as the kids age. i would trade in sleepless nights for some peace during the day. it seems someone is always crying, disobeying, creating a disaster, fighting, etc. i grow so weary of it all and find myself wanting nothing to do with it.

today i considered that perhaps i need a day job in an office alone. maybe i am just an introvert that can't handle all of this chaos constantly. i need some time alone. sure, i have some time in the evening now that rudy is away, but it does not seem to be enough to fuel me for my 12+hour day with the kiddos.

so it builds up and i lash out. i try to gain control, i pray, i ask for forgiveness, and then i do it all over again.

it is lame to say the least.

my feelings are awful: i feel like i want to go to work, i feel like being a mom is totally not fun. and then i feel like i am being selfish and unloving and even unChristian. so all i want to do is go shopping or watch TV--which i rationalize is better than doing other things.

i realize rudy is similar to me in this. although he also escapes by sleeping. i would probably do that if given the opportunity.

i am so negative at times. i hate this about myself. i just want to enjoy my children and my husband--for they are gifts from God. why do i feel weary and drained emotionally all the time? i force myself to go to bed, exercise, read my Bible, go to church... i feel like i am doing the right things, but for some reason i am still struggling. so where can i go but to God in prayer and ask for His mercy and guidance.


perhaps i should write more. maybe that would help. i tend to avoid it though; i'm not sure why. i have been thinking about writing more on Proverbs and imparting wisdom to children from them... i'm also thinking about a Survive to Thrive Motherhood Manual since i have felt so ill-prepared--maybe i can help someone else out. but i'm sure many women are not like me. i meet lots of women who love being moms and always saw themselves as a mom, and they love to home school, yadda, yadda, yadda... well, i'm not that mom. when i was in college i saw myself as a sinner that needed help. i saw myself as someone who would live abroad and serve as a nurse or a doctor. i thought i would get married and have kids, but i didn't really know how that would go. i didn't think about it. i was self-focused, i was work-focused. and now i am being forced to be others-focused.

i suppose that is a good thing.

April 26, 2012

  So I started reading a book about Anger by Gary Chapman... the same author of The Five Love Languages. It is addressing what I wrote about in this post. I was pretty ugly in this post, but I guess I want to keep it real. Sometimes being a mom is really hard, but not all the time. :) This book by Chapman though is actually giving me some practical tools that are really helpful for when it is hard. Not to mention, his opening example sounds like this post by me!
  
 

Parenting the Proverbs

Not sure if that should be the title, but I am now considering writing a "book" of some sort here on the blog so I don't lose it if my computer dies on me.

It actually came to mind when I was thinking about how I have really enjoyed some smaller excerpts about parenting (i.e. Sacred Parenting Devotional by Gary Thomas) and the little bits of wisdom just fill me.

The book of Proverbs has been very instrumental, instructional and encouraging. I find myself just wanting to drink in the Proverbs b/c I am often feeling lost as a parent.

In some ways, it is good that I have felt lost. I have become more and more dependent on the Lord. In other ways, I think I have been swallowed up by the culture of pop psychology and the like. I have resisted, but I see how some basic things I believe are not from the Bible, but from this world. So when I read Proverbs, I feel refreshed, I feel like it all makes sense, I feel like I can do more than survive parenting... I can actually be a pretty good mom with God's help.

And so I can thrive... enjoying the gifts of my children. They are a true blessing from the Lord. They are not meant to be a hardship, but I can make parenting a hardship when I am not close to the Lord and following his wisdom.

As I have read the Proverbs again and again, I find the light going on like never before. It actually makes sense to me. I used to read the little sayings and move on rather bored. I did not get it at all. I don't think I had a clue until I became a parent, realized I wasn't all that, and I desperately need the wisdom of God.

It is a shame really. I look back and wish I had known some of the simple wisdom Proverbs brings... I could have really used it during those teenage crises. Maybe I wouldn't have understood if I had read it, but maybe if someone lived it and talked about it to me. That may have been a good thing.

For whatever reason, I find myself longing for a mentor in life. And I have been that way for some time. Particularly when marriage and family came along, I have zigzagged and gone all over looking for help. Of course the Lord is my strength and my wonderful Counselor, but I know the Lord uses people too.

So this "book" is a sermon to myself as I try to work out how I can live out the Proverbs to my kids. Teach them wisdom. Teach them to pursue wisdom with all their hearts. And this is also for my daughter Charlotte. I hope to mentor her somehow.

parenting isn't rocket science

i read this today: "parenting isn't rocket science." it was funny to read b/c i recently posted on facebook how parenting seems even more complicated than rocket science... so i thought "really?"

it is a book called "parenting by the book" referring to the Bible by John Rosemond. his name caught my eye at the library today b/c i have read his newspaper column before.

so far he is making the case that parenting has never been that complicated until the 1960's and the whole world was shaken by that decade. the culture changed, everything changed. i should read more about this to understand better. so i was wondering if my parents were reared according to this "new" value system or if they raised me that way. it would make sense in a way... b/c i feel so clueless at times which is why i read a lot about parenting.

a while back people would go to their mom, their grandma, etc. for parenting help/tips. that is not the case now... hasn't been that way for some time. people go to books, to psychology. but the news now is that "child-centered" parenting and assuming the goodness of a child is not a good place to be--it doesn't work. it leads to destruction and chaos and even prison.

children (all people) are sinners. so i'm thinking about how to alert my children to this fact in an effective way and teach them character and being like Jesus. i think i have been too lenient with oliver but i think part of it has been just the lack of mentorship as a mom. he has not been a child you can just look at sternly or tell no once. he pushes, he begs, he screams... it has been hard to figure out.

i have often sought mentorship but have not found it. i suppose ideally it should be my mom first. why isn't it? she is a mentor in ways but i do not seek her out. i suppose it is b/c i don't see her active in her faith. so is she really in touch with the wisdom of the Creator? perhaps i shortchange her though. i love her much and enjoy being with her.

i have latched on to Carolyn Mahaney and her literature has been immensely helpful for my marriage and personally. so she is a mentor from afar. i wish i had "met" her sooner!

tonight i listened to FOTF and they had the Dugger family on (19 children!) it was very interesting. very positive and inspiring they way they are so calm and focused on being sanctified in Christ. lately, i have had some thoughts come to mind when i am frustrated with my children... some thoughts about how God must feel when i disrespect him, disobey him, make demands of him...my children are a blessing in more ways than one. i am seeing how they are here at least in part for God to do a work in my life. i don't want to just survive motherhood and be glad for them to be gone (like i have heard some moms say!) i want to look back with gratefulness for all the Lord taught me and molded me to be. i want to see how i have grown and changed for the better. i want to see children who model Christ.

i pray God you would help me to Grow. for that is how i will Thrive. and i pray you would work in the lives of my children as well. may they Grow and Thrive as well.

thirsting for mentorship

charlotte, i hope i mother you well. i hope i teach you to mother. i hope i mentor you and that you feel you can always talk to me about anything.
i find myself longing for mentorship since becoming a mother. the Bible instructs the older women to teach the younger women ... to love their husbands and children... among other things. wow, i would love to have some of these "older" women around! i do seek them out. i'm going through a time right now though where i don't have anyone to talk with and glean wisdom from. ideally, it would be my mom and my mother-in-law i suppose. but it doesn't seem that natural unfortunately. my mom is more reserved about spiritual things and when i bring things up, i feel awkward. i hope it can be different with us charlotte. i hope i will be a godly role model, example, and teacher. i hope and pray.
i want to teach you to thrive. i want to learn to thrive myself in the process.

today i was thinking about how i don't have a lot of joy in mothering. i guess i thought i would. but when i look back on my life, i've never been a real joyful person in general. so it really isn't motherhood that is the issue, it is an internal spiritual battle for the joy of the Lord.
since you are still a baby, i don't know what your personality will be like. perhaps you will be more naturally joyful, or maybe it will be more of a struggle like it has been for me. but i can tell you this: joy in the Lord is what lasts. when i have joy in my heart, it is when i am actively seeking the Lord and focused on Him, not myself. He truly is the one that gives peace and joy. but life constantly pulls us into thinking He is somewhere "up there" -- he is actually right here in the midst of it all.

so back to mentorship. i guess this blog is a partial mentorship. i want to mentor you b/c i know how much i have longed for it. i am typically mentored by friends, books, and sometimes my mom... i know that friends and books will be part of your life. but i pray i will be a person you can come to as well.
and don't be afraid to come. don't be afraid to say what you are struggling with. you are not alone.
i love you.

have you had your break today?

it is funny b/c people see me all the time and say things like "you have your hands full." people act like i am carrying this major burden being a mother. it is a crazy perspective. a better thing to say may be "the Lord has blessed you abundantly." for He has. the Bible says that children are a blessing from the Lord. I know people with 5, 6, 8 kids... so I have 3 and I think that is pretty manageable.

of course it is good to get away and have some time for reflection, quiet, and just doing something else that i enjoy. but i am careful. i don't want to be selfish and i know my days are numbered on this earth as well as the days are numbered that my children will be home with me.

i pray often that God would give me wisdom in parenting but also that i would sit down and enjoy my children daily. it is a privilege to have children. it is a high calling. sure, overwhelming at times, but that is when I learn even more my dependence on God.

i was telling rudy today that i have always been a try-er. i try and i try and i want to do what is best no matter what. but in each season of life i am seeing that being a try-er is just not that satisfying b/c i come up short. more than trying, i need to be a depender (on God), a pray-er, a lover, a giver, ... and at the end of the day, i need to be a depender and a pray-er again.

on another note... but related... we recently moved to pinehurst, nc and i am enjoying it (except for the roaches) and our neighbors are really great...all grandparent folk. well, our next door neighbor came over and was trying to sell me on sending Oliver to VBS b/c it would give me a break and i must really need one and i can just rotate him to one VBS after another in the area because that is what "a lot of moms do around here." crazy thinking to me. i will only enroll my children in programs that i think will benefit them, not necessarily me. (not to mention, i would still have 2 kids at home that are used to having their big brother to play with so it would be a little challenging; definitely not a break!) ;) there will be other opportunities for VBS. we just moved in!

anyhow, i am always struck by the fact that our culture incessantly sees children as an interupption, an inconvenience, and otherwise just plain expensive. i have to fight this mentality. i used to think life was about me and about what i did and what i accomplished, and what i experienced, and who i became for God. it was all about finding myself, my niche. a book i'm reading right now called Beyond the Masquerade by Julianna Slattery makes the point that we need to get past trying to find ourselves and rather focus on finding God, seeking God, learning more of God. For that will bring humility... and that is what we really need. Humility before God will make us passionate and purposeful in this life. Not "trying to find ourselves."

This is a good thought to take to heart.

well, i guess i did have my break today. afterall, i am writing this. ;)

Love & Respect

Been doing some thinking about respecting my husband and also about submission and what that looks like. It is prompted by Focus on the Family.. a great ministry that continues to challenge me through their radio broadcasts and literature. They had Emerson Eggerichs and Cindy Easley on recently (on separate occasions) discussing the topics of their books Love & Respect and Dancing with the One You Love.

It was really interesting. Considering that my mother was a stay-at-home mom, it seems I would have had an advantage in understanding the role of wife and mother. I definitely saw my father as the leader of the home, although he was gone a lot for work. Yet, I grew up thinking I could do whatever I wanted with my life. I could become a doctor... my original plan... then it was nursing... then it was counseling... I did have a hard time settling with what career I wanted to pursue but pursuing a career seemed to be the best thing to do. I was treated the same as any boy was treated... I could do anything that they did. I even played on the boys soccer team in high school freshman and sophomore year. After that, the boys were getting a bit stronger and bigger than me... so I didn't pursue that anymore. You would think even that would have given me a clue that men and women are created different. We are equal and we can do most of the same things (I could certainly be a doctor!) but we are still different and we have been given different roles in marriage.

While you may never marry, I think it is worth being prepared for and familiar with what it is. Unfortunately we don't go to school to learn how to be an excellent wife and mother and now that that is my main thing in life... well, I wish I had had more training. Again, I suppose I had the example of my own mother, but I still find myself grasping for mentorship and encouragement in this area.

So... a couple thoughts from the broadcasts:

When we are first in love it is hard to imagine any conflict arising. But that is short-lived. As Eggerichs noted in the interview, women wear pink colored glasses, have pink hearing aids, and a pink megaphone. Men have blue-colored glasses, have blue hearing aids, and a blue megaphone. Men and women see things differently, hear things differently, and respond differently. Eggerichs talked on submission: to submit to my husband is to respect him, especially in the midst of a conflict. and my husband submits to me by showing me love, especially in the midst of conflict. The "submission passage" in Ephesians 5 can be confusing in this culture where currently to submit or to humble yourself or to put someone else before your desires... well this is unheard of!

To submit is a choice to be humble. It is about tone of voice. It is about supporting your husband's decision even if you disagree. (You can tell him your concerns, your view in a non critical way, but then tell him that you will follow his lead in what he thinks is best for your family.)

Of course we are not to follow our husband into sin. We are not the enable sinful behavior. In this case, some outside help will likely be needed.

After listening to these two broadcasts, I come away thinking that I am too critical, not humble, not submissive, not respectful. I say whatever I think and I think I am right all the time. This is an attitude I need to throw to the fire. I need to stop holding a conflict BETWEEN us and start doing my part to work as a team to resolve it. I need to have a quieter spirit. I like what Easley said about her 3 day rule that she got from the book of Esther. Esther waited 3 days to speak with the king about her concern. If something is bothering me-- wait 3 days before bringing it up. By then, emotions have calmed. By then, it may not be an issue anymore. If it is, bring it up. It can be hard to wait... but waiting may be the respectful thing to do.

Respect and submission is an attitude of the heart it seems... we see Jesus as a teenager choosing to submit to his parents. We see Jesus submitting to the Father. A few years ago I was struggling somewhat with this submission issue. (Apparently this is an ongoing thing for me... have not learned all I need to learn yet!) It was probably the first time that I thought God answered me right then and there with Scripture from Philippians 2. He just brought it to mind. I thought: Jesus did not consider his equality with God something to be grasped. I don't need to grasp for what feels like equality... I need to humble myself as Jesus did.

I would like to read these books for further review of the topic and to grow in this area! I don't get as much reading done as I would like to..... but these are now on my reading list.

Probably should write a little more on this topic... but need to go for now. Kids are waking up!

i will thrive with God's help!

looking back on what i have posted so far, it looks like i am barely surviving!

i suppose it has been a transitional time. we are preparing to move back to NC from Savannah, GA. your dad has been home about 6 months now after deployment. not sure if he will deploy again soon. not sure about living situation for our next assignment.. preparing to home school Oliver for kindergarten... these things are somewhat heavy on me.

i want my blog to be positive for you Charlotte. i want to be real about what i am learning or struggling with in hope that i can be of some help or encouragement to you. but mostly i want to leave you some words that you can read and find some refreshment.

perfection

so the day is going great... and then i make a stupid mistake.

for whatever reason i have a hard time not being perfect. i am SO far from it, and this fact plagues me, debilitates me, paralyzes me. when i fail at something small i feel very small. i think i will never do anything big b/c i can't even do the little things right.

i try to please my husband. i mess up.

i try to be a good steward, a good cook, a good decorator, a good mother, a good counselor, a good friend... a good fill in the blank.

at the end of the day, i am not good enough. and i hate it. i just want to be good. i just want to be good at something.

and yet, i wonder if my perspective is all wrong. i have it in my head that i need to find a niche, a place to excel... i guess if i had that, then i wouldn't feel as bad when i made mistakes in other areas of life. b/c at least i was the best at one thing.

but this is weird thinking. God does not call me to be the best. I am going to make dumb mistakes, lose my temper, have a bad day once in a while. rather than focus on being the best... i think i just need to focus on DOING my best and leave the rest at Christ's feet. perhaps i make silly mistakes or not so silly ones b/c i will be able to help others later on... or perhaps simply b/c God wants me to realize that perfection is not attainable in this life. not even in one area. we are fallen. we mess up.

it is good to be remorseful and repentant if need be, but then it is important to move on, learn and grow. this is hard for me. very hard. it is easier for me to sulk and try to wrap my head around why i would make such a mistake. i want to cast blame. i want to feel better. but sometimes we just need time. we just need a hug. we just need to pray.

perhaps Charlotte, you will not be a perfectionist like your mom. it is a typical first born trait i suppose. but i'm sure there will be times you mess up and feel bad about it. i hope you can grow and change and seek God's face through it. even in the little things.

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wow, so after i wrote this today i listened to a focus on the family broadcast. it was featuring Joni Eareckson Tada. she had a diving accident as a teen and it left her paralyzed. she said it had been "careless" .. it made me grateful that in my imperfections, my carelessness and clumsiness... i have not had such dire consequences. and also it made me realize how even in our carelessness, in our weaknesses, we can be made strong in the Lord. It makes us lean on Him! Joni is such an inspiration for so many and has had such a great ministry as she has learned to lean on the Lord. i thought i should share this. it was cool how God gave me perspective right when i needed it.

venting

sometimes when i have "one of those days" i want to vent to your dad about it and just be "blah" for a few days. unfortunately this does not help me! what helps? well, going to God in prayer and asking for wisdom; getting perspective from His Word; regrouping and planning a course of action; exercising to clear my head. things like this are more helpful.

of course part of being a team is talking to each other when there is an issue. but the challenge of being a mom at times is that i am also a wife. i want our home to be a place of peace and have a positive attitude when my husband is at home. he is at work being stretched significantly. i want him to look forward to being home and enjoy being here as much as possible. of course things are not perfect. but although i may feel like telling him EVERYTHING, sometimes I need to tell EVERYTHING to God and then decide what I really need to tell my husband. Not to deceive him, but to not use him as a mere sounding board. especially when i have tried this before, and it really doesn't help all that much.