Parenting the Proverbs

Not sure if that should be the title, but I am now considering writing a "book" of some sort here on the blog so I don't lose it if my computer dies on me.

It actually came to mind when I was thinking about how I have really enjoyed some smaller excerpts about parenting (i.e. Sacred Parenting Devotional by Gary Thomas) and the little bits of wisdom just fill me.

The book of Proverbs has been very instrumental, instructional and encouraging. I find myself just wanting to drink in the Proverbs b/c I am often feeling lost as a parent.

In some ways, it is good that I have felt lost. I have become more and more dependent on the Lord. In other ways, I think I have been swallowed up by the culture of pop psychology and the like. I have resisted, but I see how some basic things I believe are not from the Bible, but from this world. So when I read Proverbs, I feel refreshed, I feel like it all makes sense, I feel like I can do more than survive parenting... I can actually be a pretty good mom with God's help.

And so I can thrive... enjoying the gifts of my children. They are a true blessing from the Lord. They are not meant to be a hardship, but I can make parenting a hardship when I am not close to the Lord and following his wisdom.

As I have read the Proverbs again and again, I find the light going on like never before. It actually makes sense to me. I used to read the little sayings and move on rather bored. I did not get it at all. I don't think I had a clue until I became a parent, realized I wasn't all that, and I desperately need the wisdom of God.

It is a shame really. I look back and wish I had known some of the simple wisdom Proverbs brings... I could have really used it during those teenage crises. Maybe I wouldn't have understood if I had read it, but maybe if someone lived it and talked about it to me. That may have been a good thing.

For whatever reason, I find myself longing for a mentor in life. And I have been that way for some time. Particularly when marriage and family came along, I have zigzagged and gone all over looking for help. Of course the Lord is my strength and my wonderful Counselor, but I know the Lord uses people too.

So this "book" is a sermon to myself as I try to work out how I can live out the Proverbs to my kids. Teach them wisdom. Teach them to pursue wisdom with all their hearts. And this is also for my daughter Charlotte. I hope to mentor her somehow.

parenting isn't rocket science

i read this today: "parenting isn't rocket science." it was funny to read b/c i recently posted on facebook how parenting seems even more complicated than rocket science... so i thought "really?"

it is a book called "parenting by the book" referring to the Bible by John Rosemond. his name caught my eye at the library today b/c i have read his newspaper column before.

so far he is making the case that parenting has never been that complicated until the 1960's and the whole world was shaken by that decade. the culture changed, everything changed. i should read more about this to understand better. so i was wondering if my parents were reared according to this "new" value system or if they raised me that way. it would make sense in a way... b/c i feel so clueless at times which is why i read a lot about parenting.

a while back people would go to their mom, their grandma, etc. for parenting help/tips. that is not the case now... hasn't been that way for some time. people go to books, to psychology. but the news now is that "child-centered" parenting and assuming the goodness of a child is not a good place to be--it doesn't work. it leads to destruction and chaos and even prison.

children (all people) are sinners. so i'm thinking about how to alert my children to this fact in an effective way and teach them character and being like Jesus. i think i have been too lenient with oliver but i think part of it has been just the lack of mentorship as a mom. he has not been a child you can just look at sternly or tell no once. he pushes, he begs, he screams... it has been hard to figure out.

i have often sought mentorship but have not found it. i suppose ideally it should be my mom first. why isn't it? she is a mentor in ways but i do not seek her out. i suppose it is b/c i don't see her active in her faith. so is she really in touch with the wisdom of the Creator? perhaps i shortchange her though. i love her much and enjoy being with her.

i have latched on to Carolyn Mahaney and her literature has been immensely helpful for my marriage and personally. so she is a mentor from afar. i wish i had "met" her sooner!

tonight i listened to FOTF and they had the Dugger family on (19 children!) it was very interesting. very positive and inspiring they way they are so calm and focused on being sanctified in Christ. lately, i have had some thoughts come to mind when i am frustrated with my children... some thoughts about how God must feel when i disrespect him, disobey him, make demands of him...my children are a blessing in more ways than one. i am seeing how they are here at least in part for God to do a work in my life. i don't want to just survive motherhood and be glad for them to be gone (like i have heard some moms say!) i want to look back with gratefulness for all the Lord taught me and molded me to be. i want to see how i have grown and changed for the better. i want to see children who model Christ.

i pray God you would help me to Grow. for that is how i will Thrive. and i pray you would work in the lives of my children as well. may they Grow and Thrive as well.

thirsting for mentorship

charlotte, i hope i mother you well. i hope i teach you to mother. i hope i mentor you and that you feel you can always talk to me about anything.
i find myself longing for mentorship since becoming a mother. the Bible instructs the older women to teach the younger women ... to love their husbands and children... among other things. wow, i would love to have some of these "older" women around! i do seek them out. i'm going through a time right now though where i don't have anyone to talk with and glean wisdom from. ideally, it would be my mom and my mother-in-law i suppose. but it doesn't seem that natural unfortunately. my mom is more reserved about spiritual things and when i bring things up, i feel awkward. i hope it can be different with us charlotte. i hope i will be a godly role model, example, and teacher. i hope and pray.
i want to teach you to thrive. i want to learn to thrive myself in the process.

today i was thinking about how i don't have a lot of joy in mothering. i guess i thought i would. but when i look back on my life, i've never been a real joyful person in general. so it really isn't motherhood that is the issue, it is an internal spiritual battle for the joy of the Lord.
since you are still a baby, i don't know what your personality will be like. perhaps you will be more naturally joyful, or maybe it will be more of a struggle like it has been for me. but i can tell you this: joy in the Lord is what lasts. when i have joy in my heart, it is when i am actively seeking the Lord and focused on Him, not myself. He truly is the one that gives peace and joy. but life constantly pulls us into thinking He is somewhere "up there" -- he is actually right here in the midst of it all.

so back to mentorship. i guess this blog is a partial mentorship. i want to mentor you b/c i know how much i have longed for it. i am typically mentored by friends, books, and sometimes my mom... i know that friends and books will be part of your life. but i pray i will be a person you can come to as well.
and don't be afraid to come. don't be afraid to say what you are struggling with. you are not alone.
i love you.

have you had your break today?

it is funny b/c people see me all the time and say things like "you have your hands full." people act like i am carrying this major burden being a mother. it is a crazy perspective. a better thing to say may be "the Lord has blessed you abundantly." for He has. the Bible says that children are a blessing from the Lord. I know people with 5, 6, 8 kids... so I have 3 and I think that is pretty manageable.

of course it is good to get away and have some time for reflection, quiet, and just doing something else that i enjoy. but i am careful. i don't want to be selfish and i know my days are numbered on this earth as well as the days are numbered that my children will be home with me.

i pray often that God would give me wisdom in parenting but also that i would sit down and enjoy my children daily. it is a privilege to have children. it is a high calling. sure, overwhelming at times, but that is when I learn even more my dependence on God.

i was telling rudy today that i have always been a try-er. i try and i try and i want to do what is best no matter what. but in each season of life i am seeing that being a try-er is just not that satisfying b/c i come up short. more than trying, i need to be a depender (on God), a pray-er, a lover, a giver, ... and at the end of the day, i need to be a depender and a pray-er again.

on another note... but related... we recently moved to pinehurst, nc and i am enjoying it (except for the roaches) and our neighbors are really great...all grandparent folk. well, our next door neighbor came over and was trying to sell me on sending Oliver to VBS b/c it would give me a break and i must really need one and i can just rotate him to one VBS after another in the area because that is what "a lot of moms do around here." crazy thinking to me. i will only enroll my children in programs that i think will benefit them, not necessarily me. (not to mention, i would still have 2 kids at home that are used to having their big brother to play with so it would be a little challenging; definitely not a break!) ;) there will be other opportunities for VBS. we just moved in!

anyhow, i am always struck by the fact that our culture incessantly sees children as an interupption, an inconvenience, and otherwise just plain expensive. i have to fight this mentality. i used to think life was about me and about what i did and what i accomplished, and what i experienced, and who i became for God. it was all about finding myself, my niche. a book i'm reading right now called Beyond the Masquerade by Julianna Slattery makes the point that we need to get past trying to find ourselves and rather focus on finding God, seeking God, learning more of God. For that will bring humility... and that is what we really need. Humility before God will make us passionate and purposeful in this life. Not "trying to find ourselves."

This is a good thought to take to heart.

well, i guess i did have my break today. afterall, i am writing this. ;)

Love & Respect

Been doing some thinking about respecting my husband and also about submission and what that looks like. It is prompted by Focus on the Family.. a great ministry that continues to challenge me through their radio broadcasts and literature. They had Emerson Eggerichs and Cindy Easley on recently (on separate occasions) discussing the topics of their books Love & Respect and Dancing with the One You Love.

It was really interesting. Considering that my mother was a stay-at-home mom, it seems I would have had an advantage in understanding the role of wife and mother. I definitely saw my father as the leader of the home, although he was gone a lot for work. Yet, I grew up thinking I could do whatever I wanted with my life. I could become a doctor... my original plan... then it was nursing... then it was counseling... I did have a hard time settling with what career I wanted to pursue but pursuing a career seemed to be the best thing to do. I was treated the same as any boy was treated... I could do anything that they did. I even played on the boys soccer team in high school freshman and sophomore year. After that, the boys were getting a bit stronger and bigger than me... so I didn't pursue that anymore. You would think even that would have given me a clue that men and women are created different. We are equal and we can do most of the same things (I could certainly be a doctor!) but we are still different and we have been given different roles in marriage.

While you may never marry, I think it is worth being prepared for and familiar with what it is. Unfortunately we don't go to school to learn how to be an excellent wife and mother and now that that is my main thing in life... well, I wish I had had more training. Again, I suppose I had the example of my own mother, but I still find myself grasping for mentorship and encouragement in this area.

So... a couple thoughts from the broadcasts:

When we are first in love it is hard to imagine any conflict arising. But that is short-lived. As Eggerichs noted in the interview, women wear pink colored glasses, have pink hearing aids, and a pink megaphone. Men have blue-colored glasses, have blue hearing aids, and a blue megaphone. Men and women see things differently, hear things differently, and respond differently. Eggerichs talked on submission: to submit to my husband is to respect him, especially in the midst of a conflict. and my husband submits to me by showing me love, especially in the midst of conflict. The "submission passage" in Ephesians 5 can be confusing in this culture where currently to submit or to humble yourself or to put someone else before your desires... well this is unheard of!

To submit is a choice to be humble. It is about tone of voice. It is about supporting your husband's decision even if you disagree. (You can tell him your concerns, your view in a non critical way, but then tell him that you will follow his lead in what he thinks is best for your family.)

Of course we are not to follow our husband into sin. We are not the enable sinful behavior. In this case, some outside help will likely be needed.

After listening to these two broadcasts, I come away thinking that I am too critical, not humble, not submissive, not respectful. I say whatever I think and I think I am right all the time. This is an attitude I need to throw to the fire. I need to stop holding a conflict BETWEEN us and start doing my part to work as a team to resolve it. I need to have a quieter spirit. I like what Easley said about her 3 day rule that she got from the book of Esther. Esther waited 3 days to speak with the king about her concern. If something is bothering me-- wait 3 days before bringing it up. By then, emotions have calmed. By then, it may not be an issue anymore. If it is, bring it up. It can be hard to wait... but waiting may be the respectful thing to do.

Respect and submission is an attitude of the heart it seems... we see Jesus as a teenager choosing to submit to his parents. We see Jesus submitting to the Father. A few years ago I was struggling somewhat with this submission issue. (Apparently this is an ongoing thing for me... have not learned all I need to learn yet!) It was probably the first time that I thought God answered me right then and there with Scripture from Philippians 2. He just brought it to mind. I thought: Jesus did not consider his equality with God something to be grasped. I don't need to grasp for what feels like equality... I need to humble myself as Jesus did.

I would like to read these books for further review of the topic and to grow in this area! I don't get as much reading done as I would like to..... but these are now on my reading list.

Probably should write a little more on this topic... but need to go for now. Kids are waking up!

i will thrive with God's help!

looking back on what i have posted so far, it looks like i am barely surviving!

i suppose it has been a transitional time. we are preparing to move back to NC from Savannah, GA. your dad has been home about 6 months now after deployment. not sure if he will deploy again soon. not sure about living situation for our next assignment.. preparing to home school Oliver for kindergarten... these things are somewhat heavy on me.

i want my blog to be positive for you Charlotte. i want to be real about what i am learning or struggling with in hope that i can be of some help or encouragement to you. but mostly i want to leave you some words that you can read and find some refreshment.

perfection

so the day is going great... and then i make a stupid mistake.

for whatever reason i have a hard time not being perfect. i am SO far from it, and this fact plagues me, debilitates me, paralyzes me. when i fail at something small i feel very small. i think i will never do anything big b/c i can't even do the little things right.

i try to please my husband. i mess up.

i try to be a good steward, a good cook, a good decorator, a good mother, a good counselor, a good friend... a good fill in the blank.

at the end of the day, i am not good enough. and i hate it. i just want to be good. i just want to be good at something.

and yet, i wonder if my perspective is all wrong. i have it in my head that i need to find a niche, a place to excel... i guess if i had that, then i wouldn't feel as bad when i made mistakes in other areas of life. b/c at least i was the best at one thing.

but this is weird thinking. God does not call me to be the best. I am going to make dumb mistakes, lose my temper, have a bad day once in a while. rather than focus on being the best... i think i just need to focus on DOING my best and leave the rest at Christ's feet. perhaps i make silly mistakes or not so silly ones b/c i will be able to help others later on... or perhaps simply b/c God wants me to realize that perfection is not attainable in this life. not even in one area. we are fallen. we mess up.

it is good to be remorseful and repentant if need be, but then it is important to move on, learn and grow. this is hard for me. very hard. it is easier for me to sulk and try to wrap my head around why i would make such a mistake. i want to cast blame. i want to feel better. but sometimes we just need time. we just need a hug. we just need to pray.

perhaps Charlotte, you will not be a perfectionist like your mom. it is a typical first born trait i suppose. but i'm sure there will be times you mess up and feel bad about it. i hope you can grow and change and seek God's face through it. even in the little things.

---
wow, so after i wrote this today i listened to a focus on the family broadcast. it was featuring Joni Eareckson Tada. she had a diving accident as a teen and it left her paralyzed. she said it had been "careless" .. it made me grateful that in my imperfections, my carelessness and clumsiness... i have not had such dire consequences. and also it made me realize how even in our carelessness, in our weaknesses, we can be made strong in the Lord. It makes us lean on Him! Joni is such an inspiration for so many and has had such a great ministry as she has learned to lean on the Lord. i thought i should share this. it was cool how God gave me perspective right when i needed it.

venting

sometimes when i have "one of those days" i want to vent to your dad about it and just be "blah" for a few days. unfortunately this does not help me! what helps? well, going to God in prayer and asking for wisdom; getting perspective from His Word; regrouping and planning a course of action; exercising to clear my head. things like this are more helpful.

of course part of being a team is talking to each other when there is an issue. but the challenge of being a mom at times is that i am also a wife. i want our home to be a place of peace and have a positive attitude when my husband is at home. he is at work being stretched significantly. i want him to look forward to being home and enjoy being here as much as possible. of course things are not perfect. but although i may feel like telling him EVERYTHING, sometimes I need to tell EVERYTHING to God and then decide what I really need to tell my husband. Not to deceive him, but to not use him as a mere sounding board. especially when i have tried this before, and it really doesn't help all that much.

there will be days like this

sometimes i wonder what i got myself into. people in the church would talk to me about the blessing of children... which of course is true. but it is a challenge as well... a journey of sanctification. this i did not realize.

going on 10 months of sleepless nights... and when you don't eat well either... this is hard. especially when the doctor tells me you need to eat more. how do i make you eat, charlotte?

then henry is toilet-training. he has been screaming all morning about jelly beans. he doesn't care about staying dry. it is all about the candy. so much so that he has climbed up to the counter to retrieve it and eat a good portion (along with oliver) when i am busy with you. the first time oliver lied about it. the second time he smiled and admitted it.

for some reason, discipline is ineffective in the face of sugar. self control is lacking more than ever!

yes, i have been losing my patience. i wonder if i am cut out to be a mom. i feel like my kids don't listen to me even though i strive to be consistent and caring in my discipline.

eventually i lose it.

sure, there will be days like this. but with God's help, i know they can be less and less. i know that if i strive to thrive, i will do much better than survive this journey. i will enjoy it. and i will grow. now that sounds good.

to start

for a while now i have wanted to start a blog to record thoughts on life specifically for my daughter, Charlotte.

since the blog title For Charlotte was already taken, i came up with Surviving Today, Thriving Tomorrow. it fits. i will explain later.

of course i value my sons very much (and they are welcome to read), but after having a daughter was when i thought to do more writing. there are often times during the day when i think "wow, i did not know this." or "wish someone had prepared me for this." also, books have given me insight that i wish i had 10 years ago. i will summarize some of those here.

sure, some things are learned as they are experienced; but i figure i can still give a "heads up." ideally i will teach you as you grow up, but life has a way of going by rather quickly. this may be of interest when you are in college and ready to embark on your own journey.

being a mother is a blessing. a blessing not all have. it is also a special assignment, a time for discipleship. this is part of that attempt: to share with you what i have learned thus far.

i love you Charlotte Grace.