Because of Him

Lately I have been reminded that whatever good I do, it is because of Jesus. I really can't do any good on my own. If I do something good, it is because he allows me too. I want to give him honor and praise and thanks for the opportunities to encourage, serve, love, grow, and live.

I have also been struck by the fact that God can and does redeem. I have messed things up royally in some cases. Wondering how in the world I can fix it, it becomes clear that whatever I do will just make things worse. But then there is this hope, this thought, this smile in my heart... because I know that what I made a mess, God can make amends for, causing growth and good changes... and I am so grateful. Of course I wish I didn't make a mess. But I'm so glad that things can still work out... even if it is the long route, the hard road, the difficult path... hopefully all involved will be more dependent on Him because of it. 

Common Idols

The past year and a half has been a time of learning to love God and trust God at a whole new level.

First, I had the privilege of reading Prodigal God, by Tim Keller along with a group. I was really challenged to think of God as my Father... my Father who loves me... and desires my love in return. The highly religious person can be just as lost, if not more lost than the rebel. One can be too focused on God's "stuff" when what matters is God Himself. Do I love Him? or His stuff?

Next, my husband connected with an old friend on FB that happened to be a woman. This devastated me for various reasons. While I think I responded best by going to God about it, he did not take the situation away. Again I have been challenged: do I love Him, trust Him? In The Meaning of Marriage (again, by Tim Keller! and his wife) I realized that a wife can have a tendency to idolize her husband--that is, make him the most important. While desiring a close and healthy marriage is totally good, I am challenged to consider that the Lord Jesus is to be my first love, my husband for eternity.

Last, an acquaintance recently passed away. She was just a year older than me and left behind her husband and 2 very young children. While I grieve for the husband, I have felt more angry about the children being left without a mother. I feel like my anger is justified and good... losing one's parent(s)  as a child is horrible. I hate that there are so many orphans in the world. It just weighs my heart down. I have great love for my children, and I would hate to have to leave them. And so the third idol has come to my attention. My devotional yesterday (Jesus Calling) labeled it point blank. Parental love has its place, but I need to trust God with my loved ones.

My heart has been a bit restless, I admit. I know that I can only find rest in Jesus, but I find myself holding back and holding on. I pray that God increases my faith and helps me to let go. In His mercy He is bringing this important matter up: Do I really love Him?

Terrible Twos?

Watching my two year old this morning I began to wonder why two year olds got labeled so poorly ... people often talk about those "terrible twos"... I suppose my experience has been that age 3 and 4 are a little more challenging as a child needs more and more correction and guidance. I actually love the 1-2 year old time... there is less distraction for the child. The child is focused on the parent much more at this time than as they grow beyond these years. The child is listening, watching, and always right there beside you. They are influenced, for the good or the bad. I am convicted of what a crucial time each stage of parenting is, even when it is draining for the parent at times (Can I go to the bathroom alone please?) This is an age for establishing a strong relationship.

Recently a pastor of mine talked about how Jesus told us to be like little children in order to enter the kingdom of God. He mentioned that Jesus was probably referencing a child that was about 2 years old.
When I look at my 6 year old, for example, and my 2 year old... my conclusion is that he is right. My 2 year old is definitely trusting, loving, adoring, utterly dependent.  These traits can begin to wane as we age. We become independent, untrusting, focused on self, loving self.

BTW, I'm so glad that we do not drain our Lord. I'm glad he can take all of us, even the tantrums that flare up at times.

For me, I don't think the twos are quite so terrible. I am learning from my two year old how to relate to my Lord.

Solo

For the past several months I have been using the Solo Duo devotional. It has been a great tool for getting in God's word and making me sit and reflect on it. It was also a great follow up after reading The Prodigal God and just desiring to relate to my Father. The Solo Duo includes just the New Testament, and I'm not sure it is sold or not--we had it given to us through the Navigator Military ministry. The Solo devotional is sold in stores and it includes excerpts from the entire Bible. The translation is The Message so it definitely gives the reader a fresh look at the Scripture. Sometimes it makes one go back to look at the NIV or ESV--which is good.

Anyway, Rudy got me the Solo for Christmas and I have been in some passages focusing on God's holiness-- Exodus, Leviticus...Yesterday I read about not being hard-headed or stubborn, and also going the road that is set before you.

I have been trying to think on the hard-headed part, but the part about going the road before me keeps coming up in my mind and I realize how hard it is to trust God even though I know so much (or I feel like I know so much) about Him. I know the Truth from His Word, but it is still hard to live in the place where I I really know in my heart that He is in control, He works all things for the good of the those who love Him, and that He actually truly loves me.

In the fall I learned I was pregnant again and unfortunately this time around I have had some real struggle with fearing death. I am feeling better in the 2nd trimester now, but when I don't feel well, I get anxious. Real anxious. I can't stand the thought of leaving this earth anytime soon. I don't want to leave my husband, my young children.

And I know my perspective is wrong. But it is hard to walk the road ahead of you when you don't know where it is going. I know someone right now where that path looks to be heading toward death. Young woman, young children at home. Husband in prime of career. It just seems wrong.

Where can we go and what can we do? Ultimately we are not in control. Not in the slightest. We have to force ourselves not to compare, not to judge, not to covet... and live the life God has set before us. Each and everyday--making the most of the moments. And at the end of the day, at the end of our lives, hopefully we can be at peace, with God's help.